I remember being in a car with my cousins once, and I don’t know what happened or what was said, but it made me laugh. I think I was still in elementary school at the time, or I was about to start middle school, so I was at an age where I was pretty impressionable and easy to influence. So when one of my cousins said, “Don’t laugh like that again. No one will like it,” I became extra self-conscious about it.
To this day, I’m very guarded about when I really laugh. If I’m in public, or with people I whose opinion I value, I will typically smile at the things that I find funny, or if everyone around me is laughing, I’ll let out a very controlled “ha-ha” so that I don’t stand out too much. With how forced the latter sounds, I’m surprised that it doesn’t draw more attention to me. It doesn’t feel natural.
My real laugh gives me an ab workout and makes my nose crinkle. I can’t make eye contact when I really laugh because its an experience that I’m savoring like a bite of crème brûlée. It makes me smile so big that my face hurts, and the chortle comes from so deep inside my soul that my eyes will water. The range I have in sound goes from as low as the exhale and inhale of breath to a shriek in hysterics.
Maybe it’s something silly, but laughing is something that is really personal to me. I think the only people who have seen me really laugh are my sisters (they biologically have to put up with me, and I don’t know where I can laugh if I’m not laughing at home), a number of friends that I can count on one hand, my boyfriend, and my grandma.
I feel most free when I’m laughing, and yet it’s something that I very much keep in reserve. Being silly and funny isn’t something that comes easy to me. It’s April Fool’s Day, but I’ve never been very good at pranks either. Laughter is good for the soul, and I wish I felt the freedom to laugh more.
Laughing is my greatest form of self-care, and thinking about it makes me wish that I didn’t care about the thoughts of judgmental people. I’m always going on and on about how people should feel free and comfortable to be who they are, and it’s because I experience little things like this. I want to be myself in these moments and laugh with my whole heart, but I’m afraid of how people will see me afterwards, or I’m afraid losing people because they think I’m embarrassing.
What are you self-conscious about? Is there a part of yourself that you wish you could share with the world? How do you overcome the fear of judgement from others? I usually tell myself that if they really loved me, they wouldn’t care, but that doesn’t always work! Tell me your answers in the comments below.
It’s pretty short today, but I just wanted to share what’s on my heart. As always, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this blog post. If you enjoyed it, be sure to let me know by liking this post, commenting down below, and sharing it with your friends. You can even make my day by becoming a subscriber, which means you will automatically be notified every time I put out more content like this.
Love Always,
Kristi My
Kristi My Dao 