So today is Yom Kippur, the highest and holiest holiday on the Jewish calendar. What I know about the holiday is from friends, but also television. This blog post is actually inspired by an episode of Shadowhunters.
In the episode, Simon is going home to have dinner with his family, who is Jewish. Simon’s mother says that a tradition that they have for Yom Kippur is that they go around the table and share a sin that they’re asking to be forgiven for. So, for this blog, I thought that I would share something that I hope to be forgiven for.
My biggest sin looks at me with brown eyes every day. They’re never wide, but they’re hooded with caution as well as expectation. She’s small, her body moves lithely in the daylight, her lips pressed into a cold contrast until they move.
They don’t move to smile, not for me anyway. When they move for me, they ask for things. They ask for things that I prioritize, some part of me hoping that it will undo all the pain that I’ve inflicted throughout our years. I fetch them with the eagerness of a dog fetching a stick, and like a dog I try to give something that she does not verbally ask for.
It’s unspoken, but I give her love. Love that I denied for years when we were young. Love that she doubts, that she doesn’t believe in. She tries to push the world away, and it makes me regret my decisions every day. I look at the mirror, trying to put the pieces together, but just like her, its completely been shattered.